


A Shot in the Dark

by alianne



Category: Defying Gravity
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-12-20
Updated: 2009-12-20
Packaged: 2017-10-04 18:42:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,136
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/32956
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alianne/pseuds/alianne
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Beta reacts to Rufus' presence, Jen finally has to confront her fear of isolation.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Shot in the Dark

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Noelle](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Noelle).



“Jen?” Zoe walked into the lab, looking around.  Recovering from Venus had taken its toll, and she moved slower these days. It was hard for her, seeing how everyone else worked so quickly, how they quietly and effectively left her the easiest tasks. Zoe had become quite adept on Paula’s classroom-in-space camcorder, as Wass had stepped up to higher responsibility. But more often than not, Zoe would find herself sitting in Pod 4, watching Beta, watching the Gamma object – her baby. Sometimes Jen would come find her there, but as Jen didn’t like coming to the Pod where she couldn’t see anything, often Zoe was alone. She didn’t mind it. Where Beta made Jen feel like an alien on her own ship, Beta was making Zoe better.

Zoe continued past the tomatoes, pausing briefly to note Jen’s new Ketchup Operation – the tomatoes had remained edible for long enough that Ted insisted they find a way to store them. Ketchup or salsa it was, then, and Jen had pointed out that since no one onboard even _liked_ tomatoes, ketchup was the furthest away from tomatoes she could make tomatoes.

“Back here, Zoe.” Jen’s voice came from the back corner. “Just you?”

“Yeah, just me. Just you?”

“No…” Jen trailed off as Zoe rounded the tanks. “Me and Rufus.”

Zoe watched as Jen carefully cradled the bunny. He had grown up well, but naturally there were some physiological changes. It was clearest when he had started walking these past few weeks – his motion was not the same as an earth-bunny. His inner ear was completely different, and he made many more noises than a typical earth-rabbit. Jen had, of course, been monitoring everything. Research, she called it.  They both knew she was just watching him, caring for him, making sure he was doing as normal as a baby bunny born from an embryo dish in deep space could do. Zoe stopped and watched Jen for a second – the scene in front of her was eerily familiar. Zoe’s mind raced, rolling through, and then she understood.

She was watching herself hold Gamma. Hold her baby. She was seeing on Jen’s face what the rest of the crew could find in Beta. And finally she saw a glimpse of Jen’s utter loneliness.

“Hey, can you pass me the tomato?” Oblivious to Zoe’s internal revelation, Jen focused on feeding Rufus. “I think he’s starting to like them. That makes one of us.” She let out a small laugh.

Zoe forced a smile as she handed it to Jen. She perched on the table across from her and watched as Jen fed the bunny. Finally Jen looked up.

“What’s up?”

Zoe took a breath. “You still can’t see them. Can you.” Jen looked up at Zoe, quickly, before returning to Rufus. “Jen, it doesn’t matter. Really. You are supposed to be here. You’re doing what you are supposed to be doing. You know tha-” Zoe stopped as Ted cracked through.

_Everyone to the main deck. Now._

That tone of voice booked no argument. Zoe was up and moving almost before Ted stopped speaking. Jen, too, stood and carefully put Rufus back in his makeshift bed and headed down the corridor after Zoe.  When the two got to the kitchen, they found nearly everyone else assembled. Wass bumbled in a moment after, hands full of tongue depressors. Evram started up.

“I was missing those!”

“Sorry dude, I needed to…” Wass made vague gestures, circling his head. “Y’know?”

“…No.”

“Okay! All here.” Donner began pacing. “Here’s the deal. Short story is, we all know the ship has been having problems for the past few weeks. Been getting worse recently. We thought it was linked to Beta. ”

“They finally found a reason, back on earth, when AJ did the last ship system scan,” Ted continued. “Not Beta. Well, maybe Beta. Something is taking an extraordinary amount of life support out of our system. “

“Well, do we know what it is?” Paula looked anxiously from Ted to Donner, slapping Wass’ hands down as he airplained tongue depressors by her head.

“It’s coming from the bio labs.” Ted turned his gaze towards Jen. “Any thoughts? Your reports haven’t shown anything out of the ordinary.”

Jen shook her head. “No. Nothing. What’s going on with the life support?” 

“Anyone felt like it’s getting harder to breathe? Can’t go as long in the gym?” Donner shifted his stare from one crewmember to the next. “It’s beginning to make life harder. It’s almost as though it’s trying to make life harder for us. It’s leveled out recently, but it’s pushing. If anyone had a cat, we’d be in trouble.”

Zoe stared at Jen. Donner and Ted looked at Zoe.

“A cat?”

Donner nodded to Ted, who answered. “See, if you were a cat, you’d be finding yourself just short of the necessary requirements to survive. So effectively you’d make it and you’d live, but it you would be in constant pain.”

Paula’s eyes widened. “Why would Beta want that?”

“Shouldn’t be a problem; there aren’t any cats. Unfortunately, if it gets any worse – and it looks like it might – it’s going to start affecting us even more. “ Ted looked at Jen. “I want you to go over everything in the lab. Maybe it’s residual tomato effect, but I don’t know why it would kick in now.”

“Is it fractal?” Wass glared at Nadia, who had spoken to him. Ted ignored the comment and Donner looked over the crew.

“Zoe, go help Jen. I want everyone else to take his or her bay and then comb this place for any abnormality. AJ already had us run one H2IK sequence, I don’t want to have to run another.” He began to turn away, but looked back. “I don’t want anyone talking to Goss about this. We deal with this on our terms – we caught this one before they did, and I want it dealt with on-board. AJ can cover for us till tomorrow. Get moving, people.”

Zoe and Jen headed silently to the bio lab. Jen went straight to Rufus, as Zoe knew she would.  She watched Jen take the rabbit out and cradle him once more.

“Jen…”

Jen looked up at Zoe, her eyes filled with tears. “Zo, I can’t get rid of him.”

“You know as well as I do he’s what’s causing this,” Zoe responded. Her heart hurt for her friend, but moreover she was worried. “Think about everyone.”

“I can’t!” Jen gasped and gave Rufus an involuntary squeeze. He kicked out, and she instantly soothed him. She shook her head. “I can’t. Rollie…. I can’t.”

“Rollie wouldn’t want you hurting everyone because of him.”

“How do you know?”

Zoe stared at her friend. “Jen. You can’t be balancing Rufus against the entire crew. Against the mission. Against Ted. Against _me._”

A tear escaped from Jen’s eye and she looked up at Zoe, finally meeting her gaze. Neither woman spoke. Finally, Jen took a deep breath.

“I can’t, Zo.”

Zoe let out a frustrated breath. “You keep saying that. Why not.” She wasn’t really expecting an answer, or if it was, she was expecting Jen to reiterate her connection to Rollie through Rufus. Zoe was beginning to line up her counter-arguments when Jen’s voice cut through her thoughts.

“I was four. The train station. I don’t even remember them anymore; I just remember being taken there and being left. I don’t remember who took me or why. But you can’t imagine being left there. It was so long before I was found. “ Jen swallowed and looked down at Rufus. “I can’t leave him alone,” she paused then, and added quietly, “I can’t be alone, either. You don’t know what it’s like, Zoe.”

“What what’s like?”

“Being alone.”

Zoe reached out and took Jen’s hand. “You’re not alone, Jen. You’re –“

“I’m what?” Jen shook off her hand. “I’m nothing without someone else, Zo. Without someone to make me who I am. Now what am I? Ted left me. Rollie left me. I don’t have anyone. I don’t know who I am anymore, Zoe.”

“You’re still you!”

“You don’t know that! How can you know that?” Jen took a shuddering breath. “I failed the isolation tank.”

“What?” Zoe tilted her head and stared at Jen. “You couldn’t have. You’re here.”

“Ted got me in a second time. Rollie got me through it. If it wasn’t for Rollie… I wouldn’t have made it.”

“But you did make it.”

“Are you even listening to me?!” It was all Jen could do from not stomping her foot. “I didn’t make it. I can’t be alone. I just can’t!”

“You don’t have a choice, Jen!”

“I can’t be alone. I won’t be alone. Ted left me but Rollie was there. Now Rollie isn’t here. Rufus is all I have left. You can’t make me give him up, too.”

“Jen!” Zoe stood in front of the other woman and took her shoulders, forcing a confrontation. “You. Have. Me.” Zoe took a deep breath. “And you’re not going to have Rufus any way you look at it. He’s hurting, Jen. You’re hurting him by letting him hurt. You heard Ted. He’s going to get worse.”

“Why?”

Zoe sighed. “I don’t know, Jen. Beta does things, we don’t know why.”

“Marvelous Beta,” Jen spat out. “It’s not even real. Rufus is.”

“Beta is real, it is. I’m sorry you can’t see it but…” Zoe tried again. “You have to get rid of Rufus.”

“He’s not in pain,” the other woman protested. “It’s all he’s known. He doesn’t know it as pain.”

“But you do. And you know it won’t get easier. Jen. It’s not abandoning him if you let him go on. Let him be himself. Let him go on.” Jen stared back at Zoe, cradling Rufus close to her. She didn’t say anything, and Zoe nodded slowly. “It’ll be okay, Jen. You are strong enough to stand on your own. You can do this.” Jen swallowed and looked down at the rabbit in her arms. She didn’t try to hide the fact she was crying now. Zoe waited patiently.

“Damn Beta,” Jen whispered. Reaching into the cabinet, she took out a hypodermic needle. Zoe put one hand on Jen’s shoulder and with the other helped place Rufus on the table. Jen looked at her. “You do it,” she said shakily, proffering the needle. “Please. I can’t.”

Zoe looked at Jen. As much as she wanted to be able to take this off of her friend, in the same way she knew she could get her baby on Venus she knew she couldn’t take this needle from Jen. She shook her head firmly. “You can.”

Jen stroked the rabbit and took a deep breath. “It’s okay, baby… It’s just like going to sleep.” Hand trembling, she inserted the needle. “Just… Like… Sleep…”

Zoe waited till the rabbit had stopped moving before she reached around her friend and enveloped her in a large hug, letting Jen cry into her shoulder. By the time Jen had collected herself, Zoe had managed to get together a sealed box to place Rufus in. She smiled carefully at Jen. “We can give him a proper burial of a kind, later, if you want.”

Jen sniffed and nodded. Suddenly she looked up. “What was that?”

“What was what?”

“That noise – that tone.”

Zoe shook her head. “I don’t know. Where is it coming from?”

Jen pointed. “That way.”

Jen was pointing towards Pod 4. Zoe placed the box in the cabinet. “Show me.”

Jen closed her eyes and took Zoe by the hand. Unerringly she led the two of them to Pod 4. When she stopped and opened her eyes, she recoiled. “No. No, not this.” She turned and tried to leave the hallway.

Zoe reached out and stopped her, blocking the hall and boxing Jen in. “Jen, stop.” Jen did, halted by the intensity in Zoe’s voice. She listened as Zoe continued.

“There’s a reason you’re here. You are supposed to be here. You can stand on your own. You can do this.” Zoe palmed the door open and waited for Jen to take the first step. “Go on.”

Jen closed her eyes and took a deep breath. Her lips moved, and quietly Zoe could make out the words, _Six. Sick. Slick. Slim. Sycamore. Saplings. Six. Sick. Slim… _Zoe watched as Jen pushed open the door. She braced herself against the sides of the portal, and slowly walked into Pod 4.  She turned to face Beta and Gamma and gasped. Her eyes filled with tears for a second time, and as Zoe walked in to stand beside her they spilled down her cheeks. The two gripped hands tightly, a connection in space.

“Zoe?” Jen’s voice trembled.

“Yeah?”

“I can see them. They’re beautiful.” 

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Please go with me on the fuzzy science, but I figured it was in keeping with the spirit of the show :) I like to think that it was Jen's fear of isolation and loneliness that Beta was making her face, rather than guilt, and this is her confrontation with that. This was intended to be a gen fic, but I realize it can read a little J/Z. Hope it wasn't too overbearing for you. :)
> 
> Hope you enjoyed! Happy Yuletide!


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